What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 01:30
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was in good health!
We all went to grammer schools
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Comes on , in middle age.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
What did i know ?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It was going to be , some day.
Iure eveniet quod quae esse explicabo autem corrupti.
This is soul school!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Would this be the day?
She wouldn,t have been !
Do other British people agree that the UK should reconquer Ireland?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She loved him until the end.
So, i spoilt her more .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My life is so biszare .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Put me off passion for life!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I think the readers, may guess!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I said to her
I was very sick at this time too.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I don,t even have a pension.
One cannot live in the past .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were not on the streets..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Ive learnt so much.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Who then, do I blame.?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was scared of men, in general
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im still living with it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And i lived it daily.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I have no regrets .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But it wasn’t much.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So whats the point in blame.
I write beautiful poetry .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She married twice! .
I waited trembling.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
When she asked me how she looked .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I couldn’t, believe it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My family never makes their pension either.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He knew the spot.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
All the time i was locked up.
I will be 64.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was 9 years of age.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But, we were locked up after school.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She found it foreign!.
I was seconnd youngest,
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years